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This is one of the contributions to:DIABETES ESSAY AND POEM COMPETITION 2009
I’ve had diabetes for over ten years now- in fact I can’t really being without it. I was five years old at the time of diagnosis and can just remember feeling bewildered and frightened at everyone rushing around in hospital, and sticking scary looking needles into my arm! Everybody kept telling me I was now diabetic, I didn’t really know what this would mean for affecting my future – only that I now could no longer eat sweets when I wanted, and had to be stabbed daily.
As I grew older, my diabetic control became rockier. I increased the injections, changed the doses, types of insulin – everything that you could think of, but nothing gave me the control I needed. I felt terrified because the diabetes was so out of hand, and it was controlling me, instead of me controlling the diabetes. I found it hard to accept this loss of control and it made me feel very insignificant. I do think I just “gave up” at one point – I wasn’t getting any more control, no matter what I did. I began not bothering to change needles, forgetting to give insulin – whatever, I really didn’t care anymore. Everybody drummed into me the long-term effects of poor control, going blind, amputation of limbs from infected skin tissue, premature death – on and on and on. But these situations were so unthinkable and so severe I couldn’t relate to them to make me see the error of my ways. By this time I had been in and out of hospital several times over the past years. A couple! of times for ketoacidocis. At school I felt so embarrassed by my condition, I would try and hide it, and stored every ignorant comment someone had said about diabetes – ready for me to analyse in minute detail, again and again. Was I really a freak with a weird disease? I hated standing out from the crowd and knowing no one else closely who has type 1 diabetes, no-body could understand what I was going through. I felt so isolated and so alone. I became obsessed with perfection and worked hard to achieve perfect grades at school to combat the loss of control I had over my own body. At the time I thought I was coping well, but now I know that I was trying to ignore my diabetes – hoping somehow it would miraculously improve or go away.
I hated being restricted on what I could and couldn’t do. I couldn’t stand other people telling me I couldn’t eat something because I was diabetic – wasn’t that my choice to make? So instead I began hiding sweets and biscuits in my room as an act of rebellion – I knew I wasn’t helping my control at all, but in a strange way it made me feel better, for a while. I think people assumed that because I was diagnosed from such a young age, I wouldn’t know any different and therefore would accept being diabetic but it was as if I suddenly realised when I was 12/13, bang! – I’m stuck with this condition for the rest of my life – I’m never going to be normal. Reality hit me hard and I resisted my diabetes. I bottled up all my emotions inside, I couldn’t tell anyone what I was feeling, because I felt no one could understand. I was in a viscous circle that I couldn’t escape from, and it was dragging me nowhere but down.
I was given what I considered to be my last option at controlling my diabetes – an insulin pump. I was assessed by my diabetes team to make sure I ticked all the right boxes for starting an insulin pump. At first I was very apprehensive, at least when I was on injections, I did the injection and that was it, visually nobody could tell that I was “diabetic”. Whereas I would be attached to my insulin pump 24/7 – I would always be “diabetic”. However in my eyes this was my last option and so I decided to give it a try. I had a rocky start with the pump – actually coming off it for a month after suffering problems with placing my confidence in a tiny machine, which basically was the key to me surviving. It seemed ridiculous and extremely frightening, but I pushed through and steadily began to see the benefits of the pump. My sugars became more controlled and I didn’t have as much pain, as I changed my giving sets every three days, which was the equivalent to the 15-20 injections!
I would have had a year ago. However I still found it hard to change my past habits of lack of care about my diabetes – and the risks of becoming ketoacidotic were much higher, than on injections. At my last clinic appointment my HbA1C had came down to 7.7 – the lowest it has ever been since my diagnosis. I was thrilled – but this moment of joy was suddenly shattered. I had been sent a letter saying I had the beginnings of diabetic retinopathy – the earlier warnings of going blind due to poor control didn’t seem so far away. I was terrified – obsessed that I was going to loose my sight. After further explanation from my diabetic team, I realised that although I couldn’t 100% reverse the damage that has already been done, I could do something about it getting worse. Making sure my diabetic control is as good as I can get it. In a way this was the wake-up call I needed to get myself back on track.
Already my control is steadily improving with being on an insulin pump – the proof with my fantastic HbA1C! I feel that I’ve began to finally accept my condition and am forever thankful for the diabetic team at St James for giving me the opportunity to go onto an insulin pump. Writing this has helped me to let go of the problems I stored in my past – and has made me realise my achievements with my diabetic control, rather than my failures. I know I won’t achieve absolute perfection with my diabetes, but for the first time in my life I’m ok with that. Reality doesn’t always equal perfection, and I can officially say that I am proud of the journey I feel I have been on- regarding my diabetes, and am ready to enjoy the next chapter of my life!