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This is one of the contributions to:DIABETES ESSAY AND POEM COMPETITION 2009
Why me?
This is the un-answerable question that is permanently haunting my brain. Taking over all of my thoughts and actions. Yes, it was life changing, but it is with me forever now, and anyway it wasn't my fault, i was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
There i was, sat motionless on the cool silver metal bed, my short un-washed greasy hair hanging down, there was no movement in my once beautiful clean curly locks. What was happening to me? I would never let myself go like this, i cared to much about my appearance, my young, pale, strong skinny body was finally letting me down. My shiny deep blue sea eyes were now becoming a dark grey doom that i was going to sink into for always and eternity. OK, so i was never stuck for an activity to do. I was surrounded by bright colourful new baby toys, i was in my element. Then in strolled my mum, she dragged her tired feet all the way down to the bottom of the corridor. I had never seen her so drowned out, like she was ashamed. It was like i could read her thoughts, they were so clear, it was almost obvious what was cycling through her dusty mind on repeat. She thought, well hoped the test came back negative. But for once she was wrong. I knew deep down in the pit of my aching stomach that all my fears were now reality, the results were going to be positive, i was sure of it. If it was, how on Earth was i going to cope? What would my friends say? Would they still be my friends if they knew? For goodness sake, i was only thirteen.
I knew it. I was diabetic! It actually turned out to be a new better life, i was more confident, and i think i was more mature no too. It is no big deal. So, i have to inject at least four times a day, and my orthodontist says i have to be extra careful with my braces, as it might cause an infection. Also i am killing my teeth from all the sugar consumption, and my tummy is covered in, blossoming blue and black bruises because of all the jabs. I am a walking pin cushion. And then there is lantus, oh the pain from that. But i, am definitely not going to spend the rest of my life moaning about it, as far as i am concerned, there are to parts to my life. I could be just like Hannah Montana. There is me, my normal giddy self, who loves spending time with my friends and family (especially my grandma, she gives me walnut whips). And then there is the me who has only taken up a tiny fragment of my otherwise busy lifestyle, the diabetic eighth. I suppose you could say i am being strong to support my family, others say just because i am brave. I don't really know the real reason, but i do know that i am determined to prove the year eight bullies, who would have thought it, a year nine being harassed by some deluded little girls. Those people who said i injected heroin, they are the people i wanted to prove wrong, and i did. I stuck my head down and got on with the work i missed and i was soon on the right tracks to becoming my normal self again, the one who always had a beaming smile on her face.
Going back to when i was in hospital i was always hesitant to say something, and for the first few days i remember staying in my cubicle all the time. This might have something to do with the fact that i was the oldest on that ward, or the thought that many were un-decided on the choice of me either being a patient or a teenage mum. But i am sure it was because it was my little paradise. I had two windows so i could see the delicate snow flakes that slowly collected on the ground. I had a fan so it was cool during the day. Two radiators so it was warm at night. A television right in my view. Enough magazines to last me a year, and my full collection of Twilight books. I would not let it stay messy for more than a few seconds. Whenever my favourite nurse Marcus perched silently on the neatly made bed and slightly creased the tight blue fabric i would start panicking and couldn't wait for him to leave so i could straighten it out again. The thought off coming out was the one that was clogging around my head every awake moment. The one thing that was strange though, was that i wasn't actually dreaming, i usually have vivid colourful nightmares when i am concerned. I was also surprised when i wasn't tossing and turning in my sleep, i sometimes only stayed under for about three hours but that seemed to be enough. When i woke i was filled with energy that was dying to escape in any form so i braved the playroom. That was when i found Lewis.
Lewis was my favourite little ray of sunshine that glowed whenever he saw me. He seemed to love it when i read noddy to him, and he was defiantly not stereo-typical as he loved to play with the bright pink flowery pram. All he ever talked about was him not being able to wait until the first of December so he could get his advent calender. This was when it hit me like a lightning strike in Autumn. I hadn't had one for what must have been two years so this i thought to myself was going to be a different end to the year. I was going to get an advent calender all to my self. Lewis was a blonde haired blue eyed angel, he would be the prettiest as well if it wasn't for his disease. He had hand, foot and mouth, poor soul. This was horrible not only to look at bout he must have been in pain, well if he was he did a very good job off hiding it. I appreciate Marcus' enthusiasm with the bundle of joy, the child was not the most patient in the world, he must get that from his mum, she couldn't care less, so i became the full time babysitter. Not only to Lewis though, then there was Tempest he had epilepsy, but was a pain in the bum when he wanted to be. And i mean literally, he kept jumping on my bed in the morning to wake me up, as you can tell i didn't like that but for some strange reason, i really wasn't bothered.
I always had one faithful visitor from the outside word, even this was becoming less often, i think people were getting bored by the loud surroundings. Well at least my grandma and great uncle Frank only lived up the street so the visited every day along with my parents, there was only one person missing in this family reunion. My one and only older sister Victoria, she has a phobia of hospitals so wouldn't come to visit me. At least she had a bit of heart and sent a card around our small decapitated village and got all my school friends to sign it, that was probably the nicest thing she had ever done for me. My best ever friend. Jade, she was a little child and a teenager of my age jam packed into one. She never once failed to visit me she was a shining star. You could say we were going to be friends forever, as tight as a building, well you would be wrong.
She was beginning to change, whilst i was away. Maybe it was her social surroundings but i will never be sure. She was all for it at first wanting to learn everything i know about diabetes and know what to do in near death situations, but things began to change. I was never sure how to take her reactions to my speech. Then came the hormonal stage in her life. I had already been through this and was able to understand how she was seeing things and her internal feelings and of coarse her emotions. However in typical teenager fashion she was not able to grasp my opinion, i lived with this for about a month and then started to get fed up. I now had a lot to think about, what whit my options form being put up for consideration, and the diabetes thing, and all my homework piled up on top of that, but now there was Jade. Another question that was going to haunt me: Why was she being like this? Why couldn't she be the usual random action Jade, the one i chose as my best friend? I thought she was a keeper.
After a few blue weeks things started looking up, i was beginning to get on the top of my work load, and Jade was starting to see sense and calm down. Things are taking a turn for the better. And finally i am starting to understand the concept of my life. Sure i am good at maths, so i could be a maths teacher, i am good with little children so i could own a nursery. But me being me i wanted to do something even my teachers didn't expect. I was going to become a specialist children's diabetes Doctor. I was ready to face the world, and now i am one step closer to following my dream. Oh and i never did get that advent calender, maybe i really am just growing up.