'And what can we do to help you with your diabetes Gemma?' I've been asked this so many times that I say cheekily back 'just take it away!' The Doctor looks at me, obviously not understanding the sarcastic reply and I continue 'but seeing as how that's not a possibility I don't think there's a lot we can do Doctor.' He frowns at me, and I start to get the feeling I've annoyed him, and I think I probably should have been a bit more helpful then I was, but I find it easier to joke about the subject then to say truthfully 'I don't know, and in truth doctor I don't want to know either.'

I suddenly feel really embarrassed and this time the doctor instead of addressing the next question to me asks my mother. 'What do you think we could do to help Gemma with her diabetes?' My Mum who is a nurse anyway and knows all my bad habits sighs and says 'I don't think there is a lot we can do, except maybe help Gemma to understand 'diabetes' and that might help her to understand the importance of doing her B.M's more, because she rarely does them these days.'

'More B.M sticks mum?' I say incredulously, even though I know she's telling the truth I still can't believe she's dropped me in it!

'Yes doing one every now and then isn't enough, your going to have big problems.' I look down now the Doctor is definitely going to know the reason for no blood results written down is because there isn't really any! Once again I feel that total feeling of shame, guilt maybe even a bit of fear rising inside me, this isn't an unusual feeling either, its a regular occurrence for me! In fact it's every time I attend the clinic, every time I've not done something right basically.

'She is completely right, how can you ever get your diabetes under control if you don't know what your blood sugar levels are? It's not safe, please try to do some more B.M sticks, it's the only way you'll ever get control.' CONTROL-that word again, it's all about being a 'controlled' diabetic, with perfect B.M's of six and seven. The perfect diabetic who can 'control' their diet and turn down all the naughty foods and live a perfectly balanced 'controlled' life! It's not the 'get in control' that annoys me, it's the fact that no matter how hard I have tried my diabetes seems to control me.

' Your H.B is 12.4 that means you are at risk in a older age of going blind, having foot/leg amputations, no feelings in your fingers or feet and more. However if you just did a few more B.M's you would be greatly reducing the risk of all of these things, you would be able to control the level of sugar in your blood. This is what we're looking for Gemma, and I'm sure that's what you want as well, you don't want to worry about future complications do you?' No of course I don't! I wonder when my parents, and doctors warn me about what might happen what they're getting out of it because all it does for me is angers me more, and makes me feel worried, stressed, cross; in truth it does nothing to motivate me, except worry me, and yes, that makes me think, but then it makes me hate the fact I've got diabetes more than ever. And it is hate, it's a hate of the fact I can never just forget about it, or the fact I can go low easily, or suddenly have a head ache because I'm high because I just ate something that I haven't done the insulin to allow myself to eat, the fact that I have to monitor myself, and the fact I have to do four injections a day! Hate's a strong word and maybe its not the diabetes I hate itself but the work and stress that goes hand in hand with having it!

'Ok well given your recent results I'm going to book you in for another appointment in six weeks, that means you will have enough time to get cracking on the B.M's, I would like you to do four, maybe five a day please. Maybe we can also arrange a meeting with the dietician so we can make sure your carbohydrate counting is right and everything else is alright, ok, can you manage that?' I think, does he really want me to be truthful and tell him that there's already enough in my life without diabetes, or should I just quietly accept. I chose the later say my thank you's and leave the clinic feeling ever more depressed, defeated and bored of the same old routine. It's always the same. ' If I never had it in the first place, it would be one less worry! WHY ME?'

But that reminds me I'm just the same as millions of other teenagers in the world trying to deal with diabetes, and I'm so grateful that it's only diabetes I have and no further complications! (I can say that but if anyone tries to tell me I'm lucky, I hit the roof! simply because it's not their place to make that judgement!) But just the same, I'm sure as many others in my position I often forget that I'm a lucky, capable person who leads a normal life, and I think only of the things I hate the most about the condition. It's easier to get mad about it, then to actually sit and think about it.

At times being a diabetic has been quite funny. Anything that is abnormal behaviour people assume it's your diabetes; e.g. I feel tired, 'Gem do you need something to eat?' I've got a head ache 'Gem do a B.M stick you're probably high.' I also find it really funny (I know they don't understand!) how people mix up the two 'Hypo' and 'Hyper.' Once when I went Low my friend said 'Oh my god, get her some thing sugary she's having a hyper-fit!' Also when they don't understand they automatically assume that if you are going low you will definitely need some insulin! The way in which different people respond to me when I'm doing insulin; some are completely fascinated by it and want to watch as soon as I've got the pen out of my bag, while others at the very sight of the needle they feel ill.

I'll openly admit I have used diabetes in the past to my advantage, and I know this was wrong but it was and sometimes still is an advantage! 'Miss I know this is an important maths lesson but I forgot my insulin and really need to take it, is it ok if I skip this lesson?' or 'Miss I feel really un well with my diabetes do you mind if I sit out this long distance run?' or if I was just feeling bored in a lesson 'Sir, because I'm diabetic, do you mind if I eat something because I'm feeling a bit shaky.' It's also really funny when I spoke to people who have diabetes and find out they've done very similar things. I Recently I haven't spoken to anyone with diabetes but, when I was younger I always had a lot of opportunities such as; weekend's away for Diabetics. These weekends were organised by Poole Hospital's Diabetes nurse 'Bernadette' and the charity (set up by families with children who have diabetes.) D.C.O.D.E-Diabetic, Children, of Dorset, East. A group of about th! irty (maybe more!) children were taken away to this YMCA site in Southampton, where they were able to partake in activities such as; abseiling, canoeing, high rope, raft building, disco's and orienteering. I went on this trip three years in a row, and I would have gone again except I was too old! For me the opportunity to abseil among other things was a really brilliant experience but it was equally as brilliant to be able to mix with people who knew what I was going through. Although back then I was only twelve years old and at that time diabetes wasn't a huge problematic thing as my parents were mostly controlling over it.

When I think about this it makes me feel a little bit sad because I feel now that I have nobody I can talk to who see's it the same as me. I tell my mum and dad most things and their good listeners but they can't fully understand or respond for two reasons;
. 1st neither of them have diabetes, so they can never fully understand and
. They are supposed to encourage me to be a good controlled diabetic.

After writing this I realise it might seem like a big long moan, and yes I guess it is, but I also understand and am eternally grateful for all the research that is continuously being done to make Diabetics have an easier life. I'm also grateful for the fact I lead a normal life that's highly fulfilled with different activities such as; skiing, swimming, dancing, performing in many different shows' things that having diabetes hasn't and won't prevent me doing-things that a few years ago, if there wasn't the medicines I am able to have now I wouldn't be able to do. The truth is I wouldn't wish 'it' on anyone and if I could get rid of it, I would! But as that's not an immediate option I'm learning to accept it and it is hard and I really struggle but when I weigh up the plus and minus of having it, the plus points will win.