Lots of emotions running through my body some that I want to express but I can't it's a weird feeling, feeling that you have been let down by everyone else but there isn't anything you can do about it, you have got diabetes and there's nowhere to hide, you just want to eat what you want and do what you want but in your mind you know it will come back around in the end and you won't be able to avoid the consequences. The pain and hurt, guilt and anger all rolled into one, the people closest to you are the ones that love you the most but you think to yourself am I a burden if something has to be planned it mostly has to be planned around you, injection times, blood counts, who could help?, what would you do if anything happened? What is the future going to be like knowing that you have got it for the rest of your life, you can always imagine and hope, cures, nothing going wrong and everything being perfect, yeah right!

Diagnosed when I was just over 7 years old and my world had just fallen apart holding my hands in my head, crying, I wanted to be alone in my own little world, everything was about to get harder. Going to the hospital, lots of new people telling me to do this and that and I didn't want to listen, I didn't know what my mum was feeling she didn't express her feelings, never has really. My dad doesn't get involved, doesn't help me or know anything. My brother who is 18 tells me off when I eat something I shouldn't, but he has waved the odd mars bar in front of me before he thought it was funny but I never. He use to protect me at school and look out for me, "don't do that your blood count will go low". It makes me laugh how people care so much for you but the emotions they show aren't the same emotions that you feel inside.

I started off with injections two times and day and through primary school my teachers were made aware that I had diabetes, I felt like I had a big shadow following me, it was announced in assembly that I had diabetes and when I went back to school all the people in my year wanted to talk to me and ask me questions but I wasn't ever in that sort of mood. My mum made me take a big box full of chocolate bars and drink to school and leave it on a shelf in the classroom, call it rebellious but to hide my emotions I just use to joke about it and eat them for no reason, all my friends found it funny so I carried on doing it, they didn't understand. The good part was that I got to go into lunch before everyone else and they use to get jealous and on the way back from swimming every Tuesday, I ate a mars bar on the coach on the way back to school and everyone use to look at me and say "your so lucky" I just use to laugh but it isn't funny it was my way of covering up what I wanted to say. School wasn't the most pleasant of places for me and diabetes, one day our class had a supply teacher and I had to leave early, I asked if I could go but she said no and I burst into tears because I knew she didn't know why and I wasn't going to explain it had never happened before and I didn't no what to do about it. When I went swimming at school they told me I had to wear an bright yellow swimming hat to stand out in case anything happened, but no one else did so I lied to my mum and said I had worn it. Going from primary school to high school was the scariest time for me, new people meant more explanations and feelings appearing that I didn't want them to because I felt safe the way I was. I had to go on lots of trips to different places and I remember I use to take a massive bag with everything in, my mum would say "take this just in case", I use to look at everyone else with their little bags and they use to look at me and say "what have you got in their". There was only a couple of diabetics at Claydon and I got a letter from a teacher who was diabetic but he was an adult and I was just a kid he had in there and brought the t-shirt as they say.

A couple of years ago I had a very bad experience which I will never forget, I thought I was going to go into a coma, I kept being sick and my blood count wouldn't go up and I physically couldn't eat anything else, I remember my mum and brother crying, she rang all of my family saying I might have to go to hospital, the ambulance came I couldn't keep myself awake but it was up to me if I wanted to stay at home or not and I stayed at home. Ever since I have preferred my blood count to be on the higher side, I know its wrong but it makes me feel safe. I drove a scooter for two years and past my driving test in January 08 which was a big achievement for me.

Through the years my blood count and habits have gradually got worse, I am now using a pen 3 times a day and I am on tablets aswell. I am at Claydon sixth form but I am leaving in July 08 into the big wide world to find a job, previous jobs haven't gone that well and mentioning I have diabetes is hard. I think if I tell everyone what I think they will say that there are other people who have terrible lives compared to me, but when I look at the bigger picture I could have a terrible life, I have got a circulation problem already but there are other things that scare me the most, blindness and heart problems. It's like a battle between the angel and devil in my brain, the angel is my mum who wants me to be good and look after myself but the devil takes over just because it wants me to be like everyone else and be able to fit in. Some people may feel that diabetes doesn't affect them in a bad way but everyone is different, for me I will have to concentrate on the future and tr y and forget the bad habits and memories, but to me I have a feeling it's not going to be simple.

For me the meaning of Diabetes is

Denial

Imagine

Accept

Believe

Emotions

Trial and error

Escape

Speechless